The Pretender
by Yorik
Summary: In which Severus Snape tells all.
1. Chapter 1

**The Pretender**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its' characters.

Summary: In which Severus Snape tells all.

***

When I was six, mother and I left home.

We went to a place I didn't know existed, behind a brick wall that opened up when she touched it with her " wand" (it was just a stick after all, daddy kept saying). Then we went to a place - must've been a rest house or something, I thought - that smelt a bit like daddy after a night at the pub and we stayed there for a while. My mother cried every day. Then we came home.

I don't remember much, it's all too hazy. After all, it happened thirty-five years ago.

But that first day back home I recall vividly. First he shouted. Then she shouted. Then they shouted. Then he hit her. And hit her. And hit her. I saw it all from the crack in the kitchen cupboard, where I was hiding at the time. I suppose cowardice was evident in me from an early age.

But more than anything I remember _his_ face, and _her_ face.

Snarling, twisted and full of rage, he looked like a monster. But I didn't scream, or cry. I stayed still. I held my breath. I knew the routine.

But _her_ face...

...it was the same as Lily's that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Pretender**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its' characters.

Summary: In which Severus Snape tells all.

***

That day by the lake was misunderstood by everyone.

What was I to _do?_

On one hand, there was Potter, dying to have me hex him into oblivion. On the other, was _them_.

She didn't help things much either.

I knew how they spoke about her. Filthy mudblood. I knew how they were. You don't just act rashly when it comes to them. In Slytherin, they are power. They are influence. They are God. And you don't break out of the norm, not unless you're either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. Or both. If you can have one without the other at all.

Stupid girl, she just ran over...

How could she have realized? She didn't know anything.

She just wanted to help me. She just wanted me to be safe.

I wanted the same for her. And for me too. I just did what I had to.

I could see them in my direct line of vision despite the impediment curse. They were standing in a cluster by the steps leading up into the south wing of the castle. they were watching me. They were watching everything.

There was the seventh year, Bellatrix Black, the lapdog's cousin. With her was Rudolfus, and the fifth years, Avery and Nott. Their faces were impassive. They were watching. I could feel their eyes on me, judging me. Then I realized that it was all a test. They wanted to test me.

Who was the most loyal one of all?

She was shouting at him. She was angry. Positively livid, in fact. I relinquished the feeling of having one over Potter. This was the only instance I came out on top.

Lily.

But there he was, the supercilious, arrogant bastard, spouting nonsense, trying to slither into the arms of _my_ Lily. And I was so angry, if not for her, I would have ripped him apart with my bare hands. _Let me at him,_ I thought. _Let me at him and I'll quench my thirst with all the blood in his jugular. _

"Go on... Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Was that doubt creeping up on me like a cold shadow? What if she said yes? What if she did it for me? Or worse, what if she did it for _her?_

Fuck self control. Who the _fuck_ did he think _he_ was?

I wrenched myself out of the hex and threw myself onto the grass. I grabbed my wand, and then-

It all happened in slow motion. The arrogant, smug expression on Potter's face melted into one of confusion and pain, and blood began to seep across the fabric on his chest.

_Dammit,_ I remember thinking idly, _I missed. Next time, perhaps._

All the sound in the world had been sucked into a vacuum, a black hole. Everyone looked horrified. I felt the corners of my mouth curling into a smile. Hah. All these years, I'd let them all torment me. I'd let them ridicule and harass me. I'd never acted against them. I'd always held my ground, stayed silent.

But that day, I showed them all _exactly_ what I was capable of.

I showed them.

I showed them _all_.

But then before I knew what was happening the lapdog'd sprung into action. Real time got its act together as sound came back to the world. I was hexed again. As I fell I saw Bellatrix laugh, then her gaze deviated and settled on something behind me.

_No._

It was all going horribly wrong.

_I_ was supposed to win. _Me_. The Prince.

Hot shame erupted in the form of tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.

Then Bellatrix stopped laughing. She looked as black as hell. Her eyes narrowed and her nose and mouth coiled in disgust.

Then I realized.

_Lily._

All that while, Lily had been trying to protect me. Lily the mudblood. The unclean. She was...

I needed to do something. I needed to protect her. You understand, don't you? _Don't you?_

"Take the curse off him, then!" she was saying.

No.

Potter sighed and released me.

"There you go," he said, his voice oozing with self-proclaimed self-righteousness. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus--"

As I stood to straighten my robes, I saw them. And they were looking right at her.

No.

_Nonononono._

They looked like they would've...I had to do _something_...you have no idea what they were like, what they were capable of. They knew people. They knew dark magic, and nothing I could do would've saved her.

No, she'd've been like Terrence Phibbs, the second year, after they threw him from the astronomy tower. She'd've been...I couldn't let that happen.

And what of me? What would they do to me when they realized just how close we really were? Would they torment me too? Why was I in doubt?! Of course they would! I'd be Slimy Sev the mudblood lover! Again I would be the outcast; they wouldn't even approach me for help in potions! I needed to save her, and myself. I did the only thing I could think of.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

The expression in her eyes made my heart stop. Something icy washed over me and settled heavily in the pit of my stomach.

It felt like everything had gone horribly wrong.

_Pleasepleaseplease dont let this be stupid, _I prayed. Whom to? Right then, I'd've settled for anybody.

An awkward silence settled.

"Fine," she said, finally, her face twisted in anger. "I won't bother in future."

I know her too well. She is _my_ Lily. How could I not? I could feel the sudden plunge in her emotions rolling off her in waves. I could feel her. I always could. I supposed I should have expected what came next, though.

Her mouth still contorted into a cross between a sneer and a grimace, she spat: "And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus._"

Fabulous. My Lily had humiliated me. And so had Potter. I was the only loser.

She argued with Potter, and then left. I didn't hear a word of it. But I did catch _his_ expression, the filth. Looking at me like I was disgusting, when _he_ was the reason everything had turned out like this.

After everything had boiled down into a disappointing anticlimax in my mind and the crowd had dispersed, I looked up.

Bellatrix was smiling triumphantly.

Who was the most loyal of them all?

I knew for sure, it couldn't be me.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Pretender**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its' characters.

Summary: In which Severus Snape tells all.

***

I first discovered I had magical powers when I was eight years old and at primary school. No one used to want to sit next to me. I was the smelly, greasy child at the back of the class. Not even the teachers paid any attention.

It was a day like that day. The sky was glaring and overcast, and the wind was dull. We were in the playground, and Peter Jenkins, the class bully, was trying to make me kiss his feet. I don't even know why I turned up at school. I was truant most of the year, and even when I _did_ attend it seemed as if I weren't there at all. I was living behind an invisible wall that not even I could penetrate. But it didn't matter. Anyway, it was always easier to be alone, because that way you never had to feel disappointment when people turned against you. It was just something you grew to accept.

"C'mon, Slimy Sevvie," he said, "be a good boy and lick me boots!"

"He'd just slime 'em up more!" laughed Peter's sidekick, whom everyone called Toad.

"C'mon! 'ere! 'ere, boy!" they jeered, as toad rubbed my face into the dust.

And at that moment I recall that all I wanted was for him to die. __

Die. Diediediediediediediediedie, my brain chanted. I could feel white-hot rage burning behind my eyeballs and bile bubbling in my throat. I was far too small to do anything about it, but my anger was so intense and so concentrated it was physically exhausting. _I AM SICK OF THIS! _my mind screamed, and it was like an explosion of emotion.

Then, suddenly, Peter fell over with a crash.

He was dead.

....Or so I thought. Realistically, the only way to kill a person directly by magic is by using the forbidden curses. Peter was, however, out cold, and from then on, everyone avoided me not with mere disgust, but _fear._

Which was exactly how I liked it.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Pretender**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its' characters.

Summary: In which Severus Snape tells all.

***

One of my best memories is of my third year at Hogwarts.

We were at the edge of the forest, sprawled out in a shady alcove (which was forbidden, but we did it anyway) and she was lying on her back trying to catch rays of sunlight in her hand.

"You do know that's impossible, don't you?"

She turned her head and frowned at me. "Who says it's impossible?"

"Common sense," I said.

"Shut up. Your common sense makes no sense at all."

I rolled my eyes. "Right, Lily," I said. "Keep dreaming."

"I _will_," she snapped stubbornly. "So stop ruining it for me, Sev!"

"Dreaming never got me anywhere," I grumbled, feeling humiliated. Why did she have to yell like that? Didn't she realize how it made me feel? Yelling and negativity make me recoil inside, even today, even if it's only harmless criticism. But is anything ever harmless? Words are so dangerous. They scared me. People scared me.

_Dreams_ scared me because I knew that I'd never be man enough to pursue them. I was too much of a coward.

But she was far too innocent, too untainted, to understand any of this.

"You've never even tried!" she accused, twisting her left arm over her body just to point at me.

"That's not true, I-"

"When was the last time you did anything fun, Sev?"

"Erm, I..."

"Exactly. If it weren't for me you'd never even get out of the castle!"

This was true. I couldn't deny it.

"You have no spontaneity whatsoever."

My mood was turning sour. I hated her when she was like this, so very typically _Gryffindoresque_. I could feel my defenses rising and my eyebrows knotting.

"And that's why I think the only solution to your perpetual morosity is to- _**HAH!!!**_"

She suddenly grabbed me by the ankle. My heart practically leapt out from my throat and I jumped in shock and terror. What on earth was she trying to do?! I tried my best to scrabble away, but she was too strong. She pounced on me while I clawed the grass in a futile attempt to escape.

"Ha HA! I have you now, Sevs!!" she cried triumphantly, sticking her fingers into the dents between each of my ribs and tickling me mercilessly.

"AARRGH!!" I screamed. What else could I do?

"REVENGE IS SWEET!" she exclaimed manically, her eyes wide and wild. "CRUSH MY DREAMS, WILL YOU?! WELL, SEVERUS SNAPE, I'LL CRUSH _**YOU!**_ _OHOHOHOHO!"_

"AARGHH!!! GET OFF GET OFF!!!" I yelled in panic.

"NEVER!!"

We rolled in the grass clutching and grasping and screaming and squealing before finally erupting into laughter and falling into place side by side. Her head was resting on the curve of my shoulder and her hand was clasping mine. We were both breathing heavily and suddenly I became very aware of her.

Her hair smelt like floral shampoo. Her cheeks and neck were flushed and warm. I could feel her heartbeat beating in time to mine. _Bada-dump. Bada-dump. Bada-dump_.

I could feel heat rising to my face and blood rushing to my head. Even at thirteen, she was intoxicating.

She then intertwined our fingers and turned her head to look at me.

Time stopped at that moment.

I could feel her breath on my face. My pulse went haywire. I was drowning in her eyes; I could barely hear what she was saying. The only sense I had left was sensation. Her skin was so soft...

"You needed that," was all she said, and she smiled.

She shone like the sun.

And I was blinded by her.


End file.
